i haven't checked this page in an eternity, but oh how emo the last entry was.  oh, well, i guess that's just me being me again.  i hate it when i'm so "me." not really, but who gives a damn anyway.

things are well i suppose.  i'm become more accustomed to my new leadership and my being in leadership as well, but hearts are getting heavy in the company.  the burn of what is to be done in the next chapter of our lives weighs heavy on those who know the cost.  the others, those new to this still don't know how to feel.  should they be afraid?  will they be brave?  do they have what it takes?  what does it mean to survive such a thing?  of course all of these questions come out in little more than expressions on faces.  never are the words allowed to shake the fragile air.

my own questions surround my position.  will my men trust me?  am i worthy of the respect they are forced to give me?  will i bring them home?  will i write their mothers to console our loss?  do i know enough to save their fragile vessles of life?  this is becoming more and more real to me every day.  i want to be so much, but i have so little time.  can i learn all that i must to lead?  those above me look at my combat experience and say "surely, he must know what he's doing."  i hope to whatever god there might be they are right.  i swear to god i'll make them right.  my work consumes me but i still can't give enough.  people are counting on me.  i can't let them down, but i'm scared none the less.

for know i'll stay buried in field manuals and anime.  ha... what a life.  what a wonderful life.  *smiles*

i bought more books today.  i bought more books than i can read in a sensible amount of time, but a hardboiled novel caught my eye and the bargain table at borders gave me the upsell without ever saying a word.  i got an e. a. poe collection and "one flew over the cuckoo's nest as well."  loud jimmy eat world sets the town for this entry, as does a burning camel and a newly opened bottle of irish red.

i looked out the window today as nate drove me to the mall and the reflection of the lights in the pickup off the window and the dull glow of stars in a black, clear night reminded me of my brother and i felt that it was time to visit my home of record.  i felt the calling of the place i used to call home and all the trappings of a family that i've stretched thin on love.  i missed them, then.  i will see them soon.  the birth of christ will bring me back to them.

i talked to my mother late at night last night.  we laughed about the harshness of my extended family.  we laughed at the thought of someone who has never been to my part of the world visiting them and the horror of the things they might say or do.  my greater family is not unloving but they are not always so kind.  it's a special kind of love and one that few from the northeast would understand.  it's our special secret.  it's our hidden recipe of unconditional love and it's not any less spicey than the food i consumed as a child.

my current occupation does not allow me freedom to choose the great majority of my situation, so when i dream of the future i can only dream of the day when i will when these freedoms back.  i'm not a five year plan type, but i dream of everything that lies just beyond a two year mark of independance.  i wonder where i live.  i wonder where i'll go to school.  i wonder if i'll have any friends.  i wonder if i'll start over again.  i'm a master of starting over.  i'm a master of new beginnings.  i'm a sucker for finishing anything.  i hope it all works out for the best.  i hope i can find a place where i can stop this maddening cycle of loss and goodbyes.  i'm tired of saying goodbye.  i'm tired of leaving all that i know.  i want this to be the last time, but i'm skeptical because it's all that i've ever been.

wish me luck...

xanga is funny to me, because the majority of the people in my subscription list are from my college days (it wasn't that long ago, but the social seperation is huge at this point.)  i went to a southern baptist university in the state of my upbringing.  i'm not southern baptist anymore and i really have no felt connection besides resentment for the hole-heartedly religious community of people in this sect of belief, but i lived that way for many a year and i am still connected by blood and love to people who adhere to it's ideals.  so when i read the blogs of friends of friends of friends, i always get a little laugh and a cringe in my gut at the knowledge that things are still the same as they ever were.  people are still just as nieve.  girls are still just as horny in their hermit-like devotion to a dead man that will save their souls but never warm their beds.  boys are just as rediculous as they were for playing along like it's cool to never attain relief of man's most notable desire.

i hate sounding bitter, but maybe that's what i am.  maybe i secretly, subconciously wish that i could be at peace with who i was, what i loved, what i dreamed, and the pathetic words of conviction that dripped from my lips.  i will in all likelyhood never find that peace.  i will never know my seperate peace in every way john knowles meant it, because not even war has brought me to this peace.  "i lied to myself and said it's for the best.  i'm not content in this life that i lead, where i drink too much and don't believe in much of anything."  if you know the song you know my story.  his words are now my words. 

the date of my last entry should give you some clue as to how long it's been since i last blogged.  i've barely even written in the past months.  i'm not comfortable with that but i seem reluctant to relieve my discontent.  tonight i will try.

i've been reading too much today and i've been sleeping too much this weekend.  a flu shot gone wrong is part of the problem and the other problems that have left me listless are  too plentiful for naming and beyond enumeration in any other form.  let us just say that things aren't the way i wish they were and i'm tired of loose ends, unfinished plans, and dead ends.  pile all of these empty asperations on the foot of snow that stretches from my window to the blank horizon and watch the world sag in abandon.  this day just sucks.

i, as a rule, don't let very many people close to me.  i find this preferable to my style of living.  people are strange.  people are loose cannons.  i've trusted enough to let my heart get ripped out.  i've been trusted enought to rip out the hearts of others.  it isn't fun and it isn't cheery.  i won't sit here and lie to you and tell you that people are intrensicly evil.  i won't say they're naturally good either.  people are what they are and they are what i am.  i am both weak and strong, good and evil.  i am a help and a hendrance.  i am a burden and a blessing.  it's just much easier to manage in small substantial doses.  the crowd overwhelms me.  the masses annoy me.  i cannot see the individual effects of individuals in such mobs of casual friends.  i want to know only those i choose to know.  i care about only those who stand out.  someone i care about would tell me that this is a choice i make, but i've been making it so long that it is no longer my choice but my way of being.  it has become me and introversion is me.  it might be a bummer to some that i can't embrace the crowd of names i can't remember, but i cannot apologize any longer.  my life is just as valuable as any other man's way of life, though i may never be popular, well-liked, or the life of any small get together.  i guess that's just me.